A
healthy relationship makes you feel good about yourself and your partner. You
have fun together and you and your partner can be yourselves. All relationships
are different, but healthy relationships share at least five things in common -
the S.H.A.R.E. qualities.
1.
Safety: In a healthy
relationship, you feel safe. You don’t have to worry that your partner will
harm you physically or emotionally, and you are not tempted to harm them. You
can change your mind about something - like having sex - without being afraid
of how your partner will respond.
2.
Honesty: You don’t hide
anything important from your partner, and can say what you think without fear
of being ridiculed. You can admit to being wrong, and you resolve disagreements
by talking honestly.
3.
Acceptance: You accept each
other as you are. You appreciate your partner’s unique qualities, such as
shyness or spiciness, and don’t try to “fix” them. If you don’t like your
partner’s qualities, you should not be with that person.
4.
Respect: You think highly
of each other. You do not feel superior or inferior to your partner in
important ways. You respect each other’s right to have separate opinions and
ideas.
5.
Enjoyment: A good
relationship is not just about how two people treat each other - it also has to
be enjoyable. (If it’s not enjoyable, why bother?) In a healthy relationship,
you feel energized and alive in your partner’s presence. You can play and laugh
together. You have fun.
The
opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. Abusive
relationships revolve around control, fear, and lack of respect. Usually, one
partner has control while the other cowers in resentment or fear. Abusive
relationships can involve threats, name-calling, blaming, guilt-tripping,
jealous questioning, and outright violence.
If
you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, there’s a good chance you are.
Perhaps you know deep down that you’d be better off without the relationship
but are afraid to leave it. You may depend on your partner’s income, you may
fear being on your own, or you may rationalize the relationship as “better than
nothing.” In the long run, however, an abusive relationship does far more
damage to your self-esteem than the absence of a relationship (and the
opportunity to find a healthy one). Being in an abusive relationship
hurts your self-esteem. You owe it to yourself to get out.
Is my partner ready for sex?
Now
that you have made your decision, it’s time to make sure that you and your
partner are on the same page. Communication is very important in sex and
relationships. You need to make sure that you are both comfortable with your
decisions, and that you both know what the other feels comfortable doing.
Remember,
it takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in. Just because
your partner isn’t ready to have sex doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t care
about you. Give your partner credit for the strength needed to make such a
tough decision, and respect their feelings.
Lines like these aren’t fair to anyone:
“You would
if you loved me” “Everybody is doing it”
“Come on, it will feel good”
“I know you want it…stop teasing me”
Sexual
coercion (encouraging/manipulating/convincing someone to have sex when they
don’t want to) is a serious issue with dangerous consequences. Forcing someone
to have sex with you when they have said no is a crime. A person’s body is
their own territory, for them to treat as they see fit.
Pregnancy & Infection
Pregnancy
and infection are two serious consequences for those who are sexually
active.
It’s
very important to engage in sex only when married.
It
saves from all sorts of STD’s out there.
Even
if you think you’re both “clean”, there are lots of sexually transmitted
infections (STIs) that don’t show symptoms, and you may not even know you have
one - so don’t just rely on how well you and your partner know each other!
Sexual
health is a huge part of your overall well-being.
Talking to your partner about sex
These
days communication is more important than ever.
With
the increased spread of dangerous sexually transmitted infections, talking
about sex before you have sex could literally save your life.
While
the cold mechanics of safer sex may seem a bit unromantic, some of the
alternatives - embarrassing trips to the clinic, unsightly diseases or even
death - aren’t exactly sexy either.
In
the end, whether you practice safer sex is your decision. But whatever your
choice, it’s a good idea to understand the benefits and risks associated with
your decision.
Communication
Bad
communication is one of the biggest problems for every relationship. You have
to tell your partner what you like and don’t like, and ask them what they like.
A good sexual relationship takes work and communication. If you pretend that
everything feels good, your partner will take the wrong cues, and things will
never get better! And if you pretend for too long, your partner is going to
feel pretty lousy when you finally do bring things up. Your partner may feel
upset that sex has not been making you feel good, and hurt that you didn’t feel
comfortable bringing things up.
Sex can be great, but it’s not perfect
But
the main message is this: Sex can be great, but it’s not perfect, and it’s
something you definitely have to work at. Over the course of your life you are
going to have good sex and not-so-good sex, every time is not going to be the
best time, and it’s unfair to expect anyone (including yourself) to be the
perfect lover every time. If you expect this much of sex or of your partner,
you are just setting yourself up to be let down. It’s just not realistic.
Reasons to wait for sex
1.
religious
beliefs (wait until marriage)
2.
concerns
about reputation (being seen as “easy” or a tramp)
3.
possibility
of pregnancy
4.
possibility
of disease
5.
lack
of trust in your partner
6.
personal
belief in abstinence (not having sex)
7.
just
waiting for the right guy/girl
8.
lack
of trust in the future of relationship
9.
you
just don’t feel ready
It is worth the wait. Wait for sex until
you are married.
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